What is normal?
by l0ve-in-300ks
Summary: Dean can't be what Sam wants. He doesn't know how.


The question shouldn't bother him, but it did. Deep down where he hid feelings, dreams and his thoughts behind thick walls of anger and pain. That was all he had these days, but even they were beginning to crack under Sammy and the constant pressure he felt.

He looks at his little brother again, the one he pretty much raised and shook his head a little. Sam could be such and asshole sometimes and he didn't even have to try.

A few hours after a fluke hunt in what could only be described as a crack house or a bum shanty. After coming close to being arrested for trespassing on private property. They hit the road to the next town and the next motel, the music low and both of them beyond tired.

If it had not been for Sam's dimples, Dean's smile and a little smooth talking, they would be in a cell instead of riding down the highway. That's is the moment his brother decides to ask him about their dad and what things were like while he was away at school. If him and dad got along good when he was little and all other kinds of nonsense.

Then the little shit has the nerve to ask him "Why can't you just be normal?" when he doesn't answer the way Sam wanted him to.

For some reason with the mood he's in, the words struck a raw nerve. Dean never wanted to be 'normal' like Sam. Sure maybe in the past he had, but reality had a way of showing him how much his feelings were worth. Sure Dean wanted things, but he never got them and if by some luck of chance he did manage to get what he wished for, it never lasted.

_So what is the point? Can't be let down if you don't expect nothing._

Now he was pissed because Sam had done it once again. Without fail, somehow he would always get Dean to think about things he didn't want to be thinking about. Whether it be something emotional, sexual or otherwise. His little brother had a talent for fucking with his head.

If Sammy hadn't been asking him dumb questions none of this would have happened and his damn feelings wouldn't be slightly bruised. Not that he would ever admit that he had any.

"Normal?" He cocks an eyebrow and smirks a little. "Fuck normal, it's no fun."

"Whatever Dean. You can never just talk to me! I asked a simple question."

_Not about dad, not right now Sam. He's still missing and I'm scared._

That's when Sam put this look on his face that reminded Dean of all those years ago. Big eyes and a forlorn expression. Dean couldn't help but smile because all these years later it's still like he remembers. Sammy always wanted to talk and would never stop until he finally got his way. He gives in a little because this is Sam after all and Dean is pretty much hopeless when it comes to his baby brother.

"What do you want to talk about Sam?"

That caught him off guard, Sam paused for a second and collects his thoughts. He had been expecting more arguments. Dean was so moody sometimes, he never knew what his brother would do or say next.

"I want to know what is bothering you?"

_You are, so shut up already._

Dean sighed and shook his head. Sam just doesn't get it, some things were hard for him to talk about. Actually a lot of things, but emotions and crap were at the top of the list. Well right after his mother and yeah, his father too. His dad had just recently become a touchy subject for him. Being left behind an all made him resent the man a little. Plus now dad was missing and he was feeling all mixed up.

Nothing had been bothering him really, but now almost everything was. He would get over it though, so why couldn't Sam just let it go?

_Let it go Sammy, don't worry about me. I'll be ok._

"I'm tired Sam that's all and I'm not in a mood to talk right now. Lets just get to a hotel!"

Sam scowls at him and crossed his arms. "Fine dude, I was just trying to make conversation. Forget it."

_Oh yeah sure, now you want to forget it. Now that I'm all riled, you couldn't say that five minutes ago? Make conversation my ass, your trying to drive me insane!_

"Fine. It's forgotten."

"Good."

"Great."

"Shut up."

"Nope."

Dean turns the radio up and ignores whatever Sam says next, eyes on the road and thoughts running through his mind. He wondered if Sam's questions were normal and was he being an asshole for shutting him out?

_Normal. What is normal any way. I sure as hell don't know. Fucking bullshit. That's what it is! School, marriage, kids and love and all that other crap. . ._

The more he let the thought cross his mind the more he wondered what normal really was and why Sam craved it so badly. He almost feels sorry because he knows what it is like to want something so much only be let down. He's been let down so many times he can't even remember.

_Poor Sammy. I'm sorry._

Sam was busy glaring out the window and when Dean glanced over at him he felt a pang deep in his chest. Sam was such a pain in the ass for making him feel like this. Fucker.

_Selfish brat! You want normal so bad then fine! Just go. Your going to leave either way. Well fuck him, who needs him?!_

_I do_

Sighing deeply he presses his foot down harder on the gas, wanting to get to the motel faster so he could have some alone time. His minds racing and his head started to hurt. Dean hates the thought of his Sammy leaving again. He knows it will happen though and it breaks his heart. He isn't normal and Sam wants it that way. He doesn't want to be like every one else and he can't, that's just how the river runs.

Dean realizes then that he is the only one in his family that never really had a typical life. He never had a home, regular schooling or a girlfriend besides one night stands and Cassie. No normal any where in Dean's world. Well unless you counted the years before mom died, they weren't erased by the fire, but the good ones he did have were dirtied with ash. They were barely a taste at normal, so long ago and far behind.

Sam had a fairly normal life, Dean tried to give him that. He may have not had a mom, but at least he had an older brother to look out for him when dad wasn't around. He went to school, college, got a girlfriend and moved on. Moved away.

Dean couldn't control demons or evil though and Sam's chance at a normal life had been taken from him. By the same thing that took Dean's away. Sam was quick to remind him that he could always leave and have it again whenever he wanted and that pains Dean the most.

He assumes his father had a decent life before the fire. He doesn't know much about the child or young man his dad was because him and Dean never talked about those things. Had he told those things to Sam? Dean knew John had a good life though. Lived and loved, got married and had two sons. Then his wife was killed, no more normal after that.

Mom. It pains him most to think of her. He will never really know the woman his mother really was. He can't ask her what her life was like and his father only spoke of avenging her death. He had one chance to ask her anything he wanted when she returned to save them in the old house, but it happened so fast. She had said his name, but she only really spoke to Sam. He regrets staying silent, for being so shocked. He had so much to say and so much to ask her. . .

_I should have talked to her_

Then he gets it. Sam asking so many questions makes sense, but it'd hsrd for Dean to respond. He can see why Sammy loves to talk so much. He finally understands why Sam wants to know everything about him. Sam loves him.

_I'm sorry Sammy. I'm sorry._

In that moment, he'd love to give Sam what he wants and tell him all his secrets and thoughts because he finally gets it now. He wishes that Sam could understand, he even wishes he could open up to his baby brother and let him inside.

He can't though, Sam can't ever really know him. He can never see the fear or the weakness he hides behind his walls. He needs to keep them high and keep himself hidden. Dean has to be the strong one, because Sam is his little brother and he has to watch out for him. If he could though he'd try to be more normal for Sam, but he can't because he doesn't really know what normal is and he is the one who has to protect Sam from the things that aren't.

He can be a big brother though and maybe Sam will forgive him for not being what he wants and maybe he'll even stay. Maybe. . .

"Hey Sammy, we are here."

Scowl still in place, Sam mumbles. "I have eyes Dean, I can see and it's Sam."

"Not if I rip them outta' your head." Dean mumbled.

"Try it."

"Alright come here." He made little pincerswith his fingers and reached for Sam.

"Shut up Dean, I know what your doing and it won't work. Don't bother trying to make me laugh."

Dean just reaches the rest of the way and pokes at his eye. Of course a war starts and fists fly. They are both brethless when Sam finally gets him to back off.

"God, you are such a dick."

"Dick? Did you just call me a dick?" Dean grabs his chest and throws his head back. "Your cruel words, they hurt my heart little brother. You may have even broken it."

Sam's sour mood seems to melt away after that and he laughs hard. He laughs and laughs and Dean can't help but join in. The tension is gone and things seem to be back to the way they were before the argument.

"You are so idiotic."

"Thanks dollface, I love you too."

Sam laughs again and Dean gets a swat on the arm, but it doesn't hurt and he smiles back, because this for them this is. . . normal

The End

AN: Sorry if this was no good I wrote it a VERY long time ago and didn't re-read it. I hoipe it wasnt too shitty. Enjoy!


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